Teacher asked in class:
What is the difference between senior and junior?
Only Santa raised his hand......
Teacher said: Well done, answer?
Santa: Sir, the one who lives near the sea
Senior (Sea-Near),
And the one who lives in the zoo
Junior (Zoo-Near)
After this stupid answer Santa beaten by teacher.

Calendar of 2020
January February March
Corona, lockdown,
Ramayan, Mahabharat, Unlock
SSR, Riya, Drugs, December

An E.N.T. Professor retired from Renown college. In the Farewell college faculty gifted him a silver ear.
Thanking the faculty the professor said: "Thank god I am not a gynecologist."

(Jokes in English)An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.
During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

jokes | jokes-of-the-day | english jokes

Santa Had A Leakage In The Roof Over His Dining Room.
Plumber Asked: "Sir When Did U Notice Leakage in Roof ?"
Santa: "Last Night.... When It Took Me 3 Hours To Finish My Delicious Chicken Soup"

Boss : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Santa : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job,
whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible...

Jokes in English

Once Santa went to Court
Judge :- Order..! Order..!
Santa :- "1 Pizza, 2 Dosa , 3 idaly and 1 Maza"
Judge :- "Shut-Up"
Santa :- "No..No....Thums Up Charged Ice Chilled..!"

HR Manager Asked Banta in an Interview.
"Can you spell a word that has more than 75 Letters in it?"
Banta confidently Replied: "Letter Box"

The case was going on in court, when the hearing started, the lawyer got up and spoke to the judge.
Lawyer: "My Lord, according to page number 25 of the book of law, my client should be acquitted."
Judge: "The book be presented."
The book was presented, the judge opened page number 25 and there were 25 notes of 1000 in it.
The judge smilingly said: "Very good, 1 more such evidence should be presented." judge lawyer jokes

Once in a airoplane 5 Person Travelling-
Dhoni, Ambani, Rahul Gandhi, Narendra Modi and a little child.
Suddenly there was some defect in the plane.
There were four parachutes on there.

Dhoni said: I am the world's great batsman, I have to stay alive,
then he jumped with a parachute
Ambani said: I am in the rich people of India
I have to stay alive, then he jumped with a parachute.
Rahul Gandhi said: I am the most popular leader in this country
I have to stay alive. then he jumped with a parachute.
Narendra Modi speaks to the child: Son you are future of country go to the last parachute Take the jump.
Child Speech: But here are two parachutes, Rahul Gandhi jumped with school bag

Pregnant Santa's Wife carred ISI mark on her stomach.
When doctor asked why ISSI mark..
She replied…ISI means INTELLIGENT_SANTA'S_SON_INSIDE.

English Teacher: “One cute and young girl is walking
on the road.” Change this into an punjabi exclamatory sentence.
Sardar student:- “Oye,pataka !”

Santa: Madam, Can I Go To The Bathroom?
Madam corrected that wrong sentence: May I Go To The Bathroom?
Santa: But I Asked First.

Teacher : Are You Sleeping in My Class..?
Student : No,uh,a Bug Flew in My Eye and I am Trying to Suffocate It.

What is the English movie name for Karvachauth?
.
.
.
'Fast and Furious'... One day Fast, 364 days Furious

SLAM BOOK filled by Santa.

1.Strength: My wife, Jeeto.
2.Weakness: Banta’s wife, Preeto.
3.Oppurtunity: When Banta is on tour.
4.Threat: When I am on tour!!!

After a big accident, a man was crying : O God! I have lost my left hand?
Santa: Control yourself my friend. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost
his head. Is he crying?

After robbing the bank, 1 robber to clerk : Did you see me robbing?
Clerk : Yes I saw u.
Robber killed him and asked to the next clerk : Did u?
Second Clerk : No, but my wife saw u!

Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.

Bus conductor: Why are taking 2 tickets?
Santa : Because if I lose 1 that 2 ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Santa : Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!(Jokes in English)

1 property dealer gives an ads for Lake View Flats in Kolkata.
When pappu bought that Flat He found something elese insted of Lake View.
Property dealer called to Pappu to change Flat.
Pappu said - I do want to change Flats.
Infact there is College Girls Hotel View in place of Lake View.

Santa bought split AC.
He installed outdoor unit in room and indoor unit on Roof because he thought-
outdoor unit has Big Fan to provide much air to room.

A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. Do You Know Why?
That thief was still spending considerably very less than his wife.

Cute Girlfriend : My Heart Is Like Moble and You Like a Sim Card..!
Boyfriend : I Am Very Happy.!
Girlfriend :don't Be Too Happy..
if I Get a New Offer , I Will Change the Sim Card..!

Class Room is Like a Train
1st Two Benches r Reserved For VIP . .
Next Two Benches r General coach
Then
Last Two Benches r Vry Demanded.
:
:
Bcz Its SLEEPER COACH..!! They are always Reserved for Topper in Dreams Only.

During a job interview :
Boss : What's the highest level of education you obtained?
Candidate : PHD
Boss : Great! So that means you have a Doctor degree ...
Candidate : Wellll, No... That means
Passed Highschool with Difficulties (P.H.D.)

Romans were never good on Algebra because there ‘X’ was always ‘10.’

Once Amitabhh Bachchann and Pran were travelling in a train and were engaged in a good gossip for the entire journey. A station came after hours and Pran boarded off. Mr. Bachchan remained. A stranger co-passenger asked to Mr. Bachchan, “Both of you seemed good friend, why didn’t you go away with him.” Amitabh said, “Pran jae per Vachan na jae.”

Before Marriage - - -
Boyfriend: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girlfriend: Do you want me to leave?
Boyfriend: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girlfriend: Do you love me?
Boyfriend: Of course! Over and over!
Girlfriend: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boyfriend: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girlfriend: Will you kiss me?
Boyfriend: Every chance I get!
Girlfriend: Will you hit me?
Boyfriend: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girlfriend: Can I trust you?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Girlfriend: Darling!
After Marriage - simply read from Bottom to Top. It sounds really interesting Marriage jokes

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Just look another dictionary for reference....

A man went to Renown lawyer and told him,
"My neighbor owes me 50,000 Rupees and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer. "No," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the 500000 Rupees he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only 50,000," replied the man. "Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"

Diagram in book was not clear..
So, Madam drew diagram on blackboard and announced...
"Don‘t look at Book Figure, Look at my Figure!"
It is Bold and Clear - a student said.

Q-What Is Will Power?
A- It's When You See 25 Girl Friend Reqeusts in Facebook, And Still You Click Logout

While visiting Santa’s house, Banta noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model.
Thinking that perhaps the larger set has broken down, Banta asked why the small one was there.
“Oh,” Santa replied, “I have decided to watch less Tv.”

2 Sardars in museum looking at Egyptian Mummy.
Sardar 1: Look So many bandages Pakka Accident Case.
Sardar 2: Ya Ya..Lorry number also written.BC.1760..

I have lots of jokes in my inbox,
jokes in Hindi
*jokes in English*
But I can’t send you all of them,
It will take a lot of time,
So I’m sending you just 1 joke
Very very funny
Funniest One
Full of Laugh N Comedy
.
“You are so beautiful”

When somebody who is deeply
in Love with you tells that
You are
cute, beautiful, & angelic, talented
I agree. That’s true,
Believe me, I swear because love is definitely blind

No visits…
no calls..
No sms’s…
No letters…
No Jokes
no missed calls..
I’m worried…
kya hua zoo walon nay dobara pakar
liya kya?

Most people have 5 senses.
Some people have 6 senses.
But u r blessed with 7 senses.
An extra sense is NON SENSE.

The Sun makes moon shine
Curent makes bulbs shine
Wax makes candles shine But
I'm really confused.
Wat makes u shine?
Is it Harpic or Domex.....jokes in english for friend

God saw u Hungry,he created Pizza
He saw u thirsty,he created Pepsi
He saw u in dark, he created light
he saw me without Problem, he created U

No teacher was in the class and
There so much noice in class room
Principal came and asked in anger
Whose period is running....
5 girls stood up and said, Sir, ours

Boss hangs a poster in office(jokes)
'I am the boss, dont forget'
He returns from lunch,
finds a slip on his desk,
'ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!'

You are many kilometres away frm me.
Bt still I'm watching ur every move thru
3 different channels
1.pogo
2.cartoon network
3.Animal Planet.

A very serious MENTAL opearation will start
at mental hospital of KOLKATA SSKM, so
all
Doctors and Nurses r ready. Bt the
MENTAL PATIENT is now busy 2 read
this SMS
This Jokes
Keep on reading.....

In 3 ways u can break d mirror…
1.throw stone at d mirror
2. throw de mirror on d floor.
3. stand in front of d mirror and smile
by showing ur teeth….

Your network tariff has changed!
Call charges are now calculated
according to brain size.
The smaller the cheaper!
Congrats You can make free calls!

Taste this jokes
Did u feel da taste of ginger?
No?
Sure?
Well…..
BANDAR KYA JAANE ADRAK KA SWAAD!!

My eyes detected
My heart reacted
Thousand were rejected &
Only you were selected.
.
. .
.
.
.
Because I needed a monkey for an advertisement.

What? Is A Difference Between
A Kiss, A Car And A Monkey?
A Kiss Is So Dear,?
A Car Is Too Dear And
A Monkey Is U Dear.

Do u remember the day we travelled in a car?
I put my dog out of the window,
u put ur face out,
then people started shouting
‘TWINS TWINS’

Karan Johar is producing a new film
& is searching 4 new talent.
I’ve suggested ur name.
Pls go & meet him.
The movie’s name is “AQAL HO NA HO” AND No.-1 Joker

Largest water bodies in the world:
1. Pacific Ocean
2. North Sea
3. Hostel Ki Daal!

Have You Every Noticed That a Women's "I Will Be Ready in 5 Minutes"
and Man's, " I Will Be Home in 5 Minutes" Are Exactly the Same...!
A Man and a Women Are Propotional to Each Other...!

Some kind of Misunderstanding is never ending?
A Man Marrying His Own office Secretary Thinking That She Will Still Follow His Orders As Before.....

Women's Life Is Very Hard.
Morning – Wash Cloths
Evening – Iron Cloths
Night – Open Cloths
Midnight – No Cloths
Early Morning – Search Cloth

New Master Stroke by PM Modi.
Now China and Pakistan will not be able to understand our defense strategy.
Because understanding a woman is impossible!(the current defence minister of India is woman )

Understanding A Girl
This Is Like Downloading A 1 GB File.
At The Speed Of 20kbps.
Which Ends Up..
In A Error At 99% Completed…

What Are The Most awaited, best, exciting, interesting, wonderful words...
Other Than "I Love You"? . . . . . . "Salary Is Credited"

The Woman Who Invented The Phrase "All Men Are The Same" Was A Chinese Woman Who Lost Her Husband

Most Insulting Lines Said To Google: "Dear Google, Can You Just Allow Me To Write My Sentence Before You Start Guessing"

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant, "Are you single?"
I happily replied, "Yes..."
She took away the extra chair in front of me!

Sounds interesting is that:
In the year 1997: Don't trust anyone on the internet, don't get into strangers cars.
In the year 2018: Use the internet to get into a stranger's car!

UP govt now launches Anti-Juliet Squad to arrest
girls who frequently empty boyfriend's wallets
If found guilty, girl would have to pay the entire bill.

When US "mother of all bombs" will meet Pakistan - Father of All Terrorism

Dèar Friènds, birth and dèath are controlled by Lord GOD
Smartphone n tv remote are only controlled by us
Do whatèver you love to do

Patient: Doctor, You Must Help Me.
I Keep Losing My Temper With People.
Doctor(jokes): Tell Me About Your Problem.
Patient: I Just Did, You Stupid, Mad, Ugly, Joker.

Boss to employee Jokes: "Young man, you have risen very fast int his company. Two years ago,
you began as an office boy. In a couple of months, you were a clerk. Then, you became a salesman,
after that assistant manager, then manager. Now you are the vice president of the company.
What have you to say about all this?" Employee: "Thanks, Dad"

At late night wife's smartphone beeps. Husband check her mobile and gets angry.
He wakens his wife.
Husband (angrily): who is this person saying beautiful???
Surprised wife check her mobile.
Wife (double angrily): heyyy... use your spectacles.
It is not beautiful. It is battery full.

2 Guys Were Following 2 Girls
Both Girls Took Rakhi & Tied To Their Hands.
1st Guy To Second-What Will We Do Now?
2nd Guy-U Marry My Sis,
I Will Marry Ur Sis..!

In a classroom Madam asks a student to count from 0 to 10. Student : 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10
Teacher : Where is 7? You stupid!
Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 7 died in a car accident…......new kids jokes in english

Maths Teacher : What Is A Line?
Santa : A Line Is A Dot That's Going For A Walk.
Teacher : Then What Is A Parallel Line?
Santa : A Dot Is Going For A Walk With His Girl Friend.

A man in Hell asked Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife?
After making call he asked How much pay...
Devil : Nothing, hell to hell is free...!

Husband found his wife's old school report card
FAINTED
The comment written......
"most obedient and soft spoken student"

Two Commerce Students talking...
Appu : Oh ! Sorry yaar,I heard about your breakup. Is it true?
Pappu: Yup!
Appu : You must be sad na.. ....
Pappu : No yaar ! We are commerce students! I have kept 1 Girlfriend as reserved for doubtful debts.

Changing Exam Pattern
Year 1995 : Answer All Question.
Year 2000 : Answer Any 5 Question
Year 2005 : Select Any Correct Answer (A B or C).
Year 2010 : Write Either A or B.
Year 2015 : Please Only Read the Questions.
Year 2020 : Thanks for Coming !!!

Q : What did the gangster's son tell his dad
when he failed his examination?
A : Dad they questioned me for 3 hours
but I never told them anything.

Husband asks : Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means...
Without Information, Fighting Everytime !!
WIFE says : No darling , it means
With Idiot For Ever

As always Santa Rocked- Santa went to a bank to open a HDFC Saving account.
After seeing the form he had gone to Delhi for filling it up.
You know why?
Form said : "Fill Up In Capital".

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